Farewell

In the end, we demand that they stay with us. 

Our selfishness knows no bounds and as we look at him, those brown eyes so clearly filled with more pain than anything else, we're blinded by our own sadness.  Not wanting to let go, all we can see is the puppy that chewed up all of the wrong things or the look on his face when we took him to the ocean for the first time. Or the way, when you had a particularly rough day, he would put his head in your lap just so and remind you that everything would be OK (as long as you took a long walk, of course). The emptiness of coming home and not hearing the click of his nails jogging quickly across the floor to greet you eagerly seems unbearable.   We beg him for more time. One more week. Another day of awful, hot dog breath and sloppy dog kisses. Just one last walk. 

And then, with one loud yelp and legs that give way, the reality hits you and you know you have to say good bye. 




My parents got Sequoia when I was a junior at UNCW. Even though I lived away from home, we became fast, fierce friends. Once, when my house on Chestnut St in Wilmington got broken into, my parents loaned him to me and he stayed for a bit. Ever the protector. He was a funny dog who loved to chase cats and take car rides and go to the mountains. He liked his morning and evening massages and demanded a walk at 7pm every night. He loved his family.

My mother called this morning to give me the news. Saying good-bye sucks, no matter how necessary you know it is.  

Rest In Peace, Sequoia. You were a good dog. I hope they have car rides in heaven. 

No jokes today. Sad.

That was my facebook status today. Today the Boston Marathon got bombed. Today is Margaret's birthday. Today I am sad.

It started about a week ago. 1800flowers.com wanted to know if I wanted to send Margaret flowers for her birthday. My phone dinged and I read the email and thought about how Margaret would have loved some birthday daisies. And then I shoved it to the back of my mind, where she lives all the time now. Then this morning, facebook asked if I wanted to send her a Starbucks gift card for her birthday. And as a tear ran down my cheek, I smiled because Margaret would have hated that. She hated "the man." She would have loved a gift card to a small, locally owned coffee house that had an open mic night on Fridays. But she would have hated a Starbucks gift card  And then my day went on and I reminisced with myself on my lunch break about some good times. It's easier to feel her when the weather is nice. She loved to be out doors.

And then around 3pm, I checked my phone and buzzfeed told me there was an explosion at the Boston Marathon. No, two explosions. A bomb? And there were people hurt. Badly. And casualties. And I watched the story unfold with a detached awe that I feel like everyone in my generation feels.

We watched Columbine and Virginia Tech and Aurora and Gabby Giffords and Newtown.
We watched Oklahoma City.
We watched the Towers fall.

It happens so often and, while nothing of this nature has shocked me in a very long time, every time it happens, it punches me in the stomach. Every time it happens, I ask why. We post tributes online and Instgrams and we change our facebook profile pictures and we cry and we hope it never happens again.

Because what else is there but to do that and tell the people you love you love them and hope upon hope that its the last one?

I really hope this is the last one.

No jokes today. I'm sad.

#prayforboston

2013 Q1 Update

So, yes its been a long time since I wrote. I never claimed to be a regular blogger, so get off my back. Truth is, I've been too busy to pee lately, let alone write a blog. Which has created a whole other set of issues, but I won't get into those. This isn't a medical blog. It's just a blog blog.

School is in full effect. I forgot what it was like to stay up until 4 am. Now I remember. It sucks. As a refresher course in the life of KB, I am in graduate school, attempting to get my master of public health degree from the lauded  Gillings School of Global Public Health at the University of North Carolina. I'll root for the Heels against Duke, but other than that, I've never been a Carolina homer, but the Gillings School of Global Public Health at the University of North Carolina (you have to say it like that. Respect) is the second best public health school in these United States of America (better than HARVARD, y'all), so I will enjoy that diploma. If it ever actually becomes mine. Right now, even though I'm so close, it seems so far away. This semester has consisted of my big master's paper (like a thesis with less research rules and I don't have to defend it), comps (a big test that if I don't pass, this is all for naught), and a class - Intro to Environmental Health. I make it a rule to not speak on the internet about things I'll one day wish to take back if they are ever read by certain people, so I'll just leave it as I think my ENVR class is a little, um, intense for an intro. If I don't get my MPH because I don't get the grade I need in that class for the aforementioned implied reasons, there will be a thesis length rant on this here blog about my true feelings.

My paper is a bear, but very interesting. I ended up doing it on something that I didn't really have a huge interest in and now I'm, like, knowledgable on fracking. For those that don't know, fracking method of generating oil and natural gas from shale rock formations. There are questions surrounding the process and it releases some chemicals into the ground water and stuff, so its a public health issue right now. I don't want to say more because you should be able to preorder my debut novel, "Fracking and You: how to get oil from rocks without killing people" from amazon within the year.

Comps are an interesting little experiment the school likes to put us through. Not every school has comps. I considered transferring when I found that out. But then I wouldn't be getting my degree from the GSOGPH at UNC. You have to write 3 papers in 9 hours and then they make you wait a month to see if you passed. (a month is 30 days, just in case you forgot. 3-0 days. 720 long hours) And they basically tell you that, short of gathering up your notes from courses you took 3 years ago, there's no way to prepare. When I get diagnosed with the ulcer I'm sure has formed in my stomach, I'm naming it Comps. I took those on March 2nd. Even though they tell you that they will inform you by mail as to whether or not you passed, my new favorite hobby is to sit at my computer, log on to the comps site, and see if they slipped and posted the results. I spend an immense amount of time doing this. Staring at the screen and hitting refresh. Hitting refresh.... hitting refresh.

In other, non school related news:

I feel like this whole year has been a haze of moving boxes, leases, security deposits, and moving vans. In October or November of 2011, Terrance moved to Dayton (Miamisburg), I followed in March of 2012, but we moved to Springfield because it was between our jobs, then six months later, we settled in Delaware, OH, which is about 20-30 minutes north of Columbus. Life is better when you don't spend 20% of your day in the car. We live in the upstairs of an old house that's been converted to apartments. Over the last year, we have paid about $3300 in deposits, and moved about 1,000 miles (just broken up into 3 different moves). The original goal was to stay in Delaware for the year and then move on to Cleveland, but we're really liking it here. We can walk to shops and restaurants for little things we need and to go out, but Columbus is close for bigger stuff.  I have finally fulfilled my lifelong goal of being able to walk to work. Delaware is cute. You should visit, Internet.

Terrance has a few siblings he didn't know about and my sister had a baby, so I'm an aunt like 7 times over now. That's pretty exciting. God bless the internet. Also, my family continues to be functionally dysfunctional at every turn. I'm certainly not going to write the whole thing here, especially since I've sold the rights to Lifetime Movie Network and its been greenlit for a untitled project starring Tori Spelling and Harry Hamlin that is shooting in Vancouver right now, but every time I turn around, it feels like I've landed in Genoa City.

Another Die Hard movie came out. God Bless John McClane.

I'm running the Cooper River Bridge Run this year. I was doing really well with training and was basically on track to win in outright and then school got in the way and I am fairly certain I'm going to die. If I live, I'm doing the Indy Mini on May 4. If I survive that, I have epidemiology this summer, where I plan on growing Comps' brother, Epi the Ulcer.

There was other stuff. But its hard to remember. I should get back to work anyway. Hitting the books now. Have a midterm that's worth 40% of my grade to bomb. Deuces.

my list

So, i haven't posted in a really long time. Part of it is that i just haven't had time to. here is a recap of my life since January:

We moved.

We live in Springfield.

Terrance works outside of Dayton, I work outside of Columbus. Its not ideal, but its preferable to unemployment. We're making it work.

Terrance cut the tip of his finger off at work.

I ran the Cooper River Bridge Run.

People are really into the Hunger Games.

that's kind of it for lately. the main reason that i got on today was that i've been making this mental list of stuff that I think are sort of rules of life (at least my life) and i wanted to share them:

1. if a motel advertises free cable on a sign outside, do not stay there

2. I think being chubby in high school and a funny adult are directly correlated. I think this because I am obviously both. Being a chubby adult gives you no benefit that I've been able to find, except maybe making your friends look thinner in photographs, which makes them like you more.

3. while online school is probably as hard as on campus school, it will never get the same respect, which makes it perfect for someone like me, who often sees herself as a martyr

4. instead of math and science, i think some people could really benefit from taking a few courses in being polite. If you think about it, no one is ever like "she's so sweet. she can calculate the log of X. I think I'll ask her to coffee" (i'm not saying that you shouldn't have any math and science. I'm just saying that once you hit like a calculus level, you're good. Theoretical physics is only useful for like 4% of the population. Being nice to others is useful for the other 96%. 96% is more than 4%. I know this because math is important to me, but so is being nice an polite and not huffing at people because they forgot to take their belt off in the security line at the airport).

5. no matter what neighborhood you are in, people from all socioeconomic backgrounds will stand outside at night for dairy queen.

6. i'm simultaneously jealous and judgmental of women who dress up to fly ("i mean, REALLY. look at those heels" and "i mean, really look at those HEELS")

7. sometimes i realize that i'll never actually realize some of my dreams and it makes me sad. like being a size 8 or living in new york or not worrying about money or seeing prague or paris or a costa rican rain forest. there's no "but then i think of how awesome my life really is and i feel better" end to that. i just get sad with the realization that i've made choices that have dictated that i can't do certain things and that sometimes, life just isn't fair. and then i have a diet coke and i get on with my day, which is what everyone else should do that doesn't live in a warzone. unless they're having a very rough day/week/month/year and then they can wallow. because everyone needs to do that sometimes. but if you do it, own it. take your clothes that button and/or zip off, load up a tray with snacks and a day's worth of diet coke and sit/lie in bed all day and watch a Ghost Whisperer marathon. cry for bit. the only thing worse than being consumed with self pity is not owning it. i, personally, own the shit out of mine. on a somewhat regular basis. if this blog is nothing else, its a testament to the fact that i have no issue feeling bad for myself and letting other people know about it.

8. i actually love the fact that its so hard to get sand out of everything after you've been to the beach. i think its comforting.

9. ikea makes me happy. so happy that i don't care if you think i'm materialistic because i'm too busy looking at all my new stuff from there that i can't even here what you're saying

10. your hair changes every seven years. this is not useful at all since there is nothing you can do about it

So, I've started about 45 posts since I last posted. Things haven't been great lately and even though I use this blog as my release, I'd never want to put anything on here that I would want to take back.

Here's the thing - living apart has been super tough on Terrance and I. Lots of animated "conversations". I'll leave it at that. Let go and let God. Love and light. Something.

On to better things. I have a job interview Thursday! Its for the OSU health plan. I'm nervous and excited and thankful that someone thinks my resume is worth a second look.

I have about 6 weeks left as an NC resident. Which means I have 6 weeks to get the house together, our affairs settled, say good bye to everyone. Yikes. Oh, and find a job. :)

God bless us, everyone.

we throw a holiday party every year. its a 'holiday' party because i'm super pc, but its a good old fashioned christmas party. we call it 'festivus' because my dad taught me 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and seinfeld is funny and should honored whenever possible. it doesn't take place on 'festivus' (december 23), we don't have a festivus pole or the feats of strength. its mostly just our friends, hanging out, eating, drinking and taking part in all around merriment. its usually a pretty good time and something i look forward to starting around october.

i usually spend a small fortune getting ready for it, but given everything going on, its just not going to be as big a thing this year. its low key this year. i didn't even buy a new outfit. for reals.

festivus is tomorrow. terrance is home. things are good.

belated thankgivings

I realized that i was supposed to be writing something I'm thankful for everyday. i haven't done that for like a week, so i'll give a few things.

I am thankful for hand sanitizer, lysol wipes, bleach, and extra trash pick up to come and get the mouse excrement laden things that Terrance and I have neglected since we moved in (just to be clear, when we left all this stuff in the garage, there was no mouse or mouse droppings).

I am thankful that Terrance comes home in 2 days.

I am thankful that my semester is almost over. I am not thankful that I have 2 huge projects standing in the way of my freedom. (we'll call that one a wash until Wednesday)

I am thankful for my wonderful parents, who have helped me out a lot throughout all of this. I like to play the role of a martyr so people will feel bad for me, but I'm really not doing this stuff alone.

I'm thankful that Panthers are on a win streak. I really do love them and feel bad that I haven't been as supportive as I should have been. In my defense, they've won 6 out their last 28 games.