Ramblings

Being pregnant has done many things for me. I'm sure everyone who stumbles backward onto being ready for kids like I did goes through a bit of the same thing. It sounds awful, but if you aren't one of those women who were convinced from the time they could think about such things that motherhood was for you, it can be different than you are taught that it should be. I am happy to be pregnant. I am thankful that I have a healthy baby growing inside me. I am thankful I have a partner to go through it with that supports me and lets me be crazy when I need to be. I also feel like I'm missing a chip of some sort. I didn't get an emotional reaction when I took the test, when I heard the heartbeat, when we saw the ultrasound, when I found out "it" was a "him," when I felt him move for the first time. My reactions have been almost clinical and overwhelmingly along the lines of "is that normal?" Is that a normal heartrate? Is that a normal weight? Is his head a normal size? Is his cervical spine measuring correctly? Is there an abnormal amount of fluid there? I have no doubt that I will love my child. I just hope when he comes out, I want to know more about him than whether or not he is normal. 

Like most little girls raised in middle class America, I wanted kids when I was little. I played house. I thought having kids was normal. Somewhere along the way, though, that changed. Were kids for me? Am I a suitable parent? And, the one we're never supposed to utter because it makes us feel like selfish trolls - am I willing to give up my life and whatever dreams I haven't achieved yet to have a child and help them find dreams to achieve? And don't get me wrong, I understand that having children fulfills you in a way that a career never could. I also understand that my career isn't going to be stalled forever because of having children. The nice thing about the freshly minted MPH is that they won't take it away if I don't use it for a few years. But the vision of Terrance and I moving to New York or Boston or DC for a few years? That vision will probably remain a blurry in watercolor in my head. That idea I had of me getting an awesome job with an NGO or federal agency? Probably not going to happen. Because it's hard to move with kids. And it's silly to move from such an obvious family town so that I can have that experience. And it's downright irresponsible for Terrance to give up his good job and move to a place where his company isn't because of my dream. 

Still, despite what my previous ramblings might lead you to believe,  I'm having this baby and I am happy about it. And I am excited. I'm excited to see what he's going to be like. And who he'll look more like. And teach him things. And watch Terrance be a dad. Being pregnant has made me think about the world beyond my bubble and my dreams in a way that I never would have. And it's made me adjust my goals, but not give up on them. No, we might never move to New York or Boston or DC. Or maybe we will. Or maybe I'll end up doing something fabulous with my life here. Despite those who think you should be done procreating by the time you're 30 (lest all of your viable eggs dry up), I'm ONLY 32. If nothing else, I have like 35 more years until retirement. I can do a lot with 35 years. And now I get a child to be a role model for. To inspire. To be better for. 

Pregnancy has also made me confront some issues. Again, like most little girls growing up in middle class America, I have, from time to time, called myself fat. Except for me, it wasn't really from time to time. It was every day. Starting in about the fourth grade. And I'm the first to admit that there was a time when I was fat. The rest of the time, I've been just overweight - I've always needed to lose a few pounds. I've never been happy with my weight. I ran a half marathon last year, and when I looked at the pictures of me on the course, my first thought was how big I looked. It's always my first thought when I see a picture of myself. The rapid weight gain of pregnancy has been hard on my psyche. The stomach is the obvious problem area, but my thighs have grown at such a rate that I joke that Logan will get stuck in them on the way out. Unknowing people comment on my size - I've gotten more than one "are you sure there's just one in there?" and "you're HOW far along? Surely, you must be further - I mean, look at your belly!" For the record, these are things you should never say to a pregnant woman. 

So pregnancy has been an experience. Part of me feels like I'm going to look back and regret the amount of complaining I've done. I feel like I should be embracing it more. I guess after this, I'll have a baby to embrace and this will all just seem like a blink of the eye and a means to a wonderful end.