ramblings

i'm going to try to be a little better about blogging on the regular. i have a lot going on and i don't want to alienate my friends by bitching about it all the time, I might be taking it out on the internet tonight.

1. I miss my husband. There. I said it. I'm not an independent, don't need a man woman. I want him home. I know we'll be fine. I"m not worried. I just miss him.

2.I'd like to try and write everyday about something I'm thankful for. This will not happen, of course, but its good to have goals. I'm not very good at keeping my goals. If I was, I'd have an MD and be a size 6. But its a goal. Anyway, today I am thankful for the groomers at petsmart, who made my dogs smell good. Even better, the grooming process was a lot for them to deal with, so they're both exhausted and its funny to watch them fight sleep. God bless us, every one.

Stressed spelled backwards...

I wrote that last post as a draft and forgot to publish it. So now I'm in a blogging mood again and will just have 2 posts for the day. I am still currently stressed about the following things:

1. selling our house and not losing a ton of money. The sad thing is, for as much as I complain about this place, I honestly like it. I liked it the minute we looked at it before we bought it and I still like it now. Its home. Do I love the fact that its a shoe box with one bathroom and closets the size of coffins? No. Do I love the fact that its on a busy road that we wouldn't ever be able to take our (hypothetical) kids trick or treating on and that leads to a lot of noise? No. Do I love the fact that the kitchen makes me claustrophobic? No. Do I love the fact that this very busy street is also the home to 2 shit shops and a meth house? No. But I do love it. I had plans for this place. Additions (a master suite and a den with a kitchen and laundry expansion), yard work (level out the yard to the big tree and then put a retaining wall in with steps down to an english garden), home improvements (finish the hardwoods in all rooms and retile the kitchen and bath). This place could have been my dream home. It makes me sad to think about leaving and even sadder that this place is going to have to sell for so cheap. It's worth more than that, dammit. But, unfortunately, the market that we were told was at the bottom when we bought (I remember hearing the phrase "there's no way you won't MAKE money on that place" more than once) has hit about 14 new bottoms since then and the value of our house has fallen each time. So now, we're underwater. Deep enough to need scuba gear. Gear which we can't afford.

2. Getting a new job. This one is sort of like a double edged sword (not sure if thats the right metaphor... I think I'm looking for a damned if I do, damned if I don't type of thing. I'll explain). Never one to walk away from a pay check and health insurance, I have always maintained the position that I will not move until I have a job, with the stipulation that I will revisit my stance in 6 months because I don't think living apart for that long is good for marriages if you have the choice. Staying and moving have me stressed out. Why? I'll tell you. Lets start with a little background about local and state economies. Because of the recession and the housing bubble and all other things related to the country going to shit lately, local economies are suffering. In NC, this means that the state government (which is poor) can go to the counties (which are also poor) and take their tax revenue in order to balance the budget. It is against the law in NC for NC to not have a balanced budget. I'm not sure who would enforce this law, but apparently, its enough of a threat for the state to raid the county coffers, which brings us to the fact that Lincoln County is poor. I'm lucky I have a job this year. And I know I'm lucky because I almost lost it last year and have been told that there isn't enough money to pay me next year. I have frustrations about this that I could write 5 page blogs about and not really crack the surface of why I feel this is wrong, on many levels, but I also understand that anyone could come across this blog and they might not think what I had to say was nice, so I'll just leave it at the fact that it sucks and isn't fair. So, if I stay, I don't have a job. Now, to Ohio. The governor of Ohio is a conservative guy. He was able to balance the budget, which I give him credit for. Have you driven through Canton lately? Ohio has been hard hit by this recession. You know how he did it? He cut aid to the municipalities. Municipalities which I would like to look for a job in, but none of them are hiring because they don't have money. So, I don't have a job if I go. No jobs. No pay. No insurance. Awesome.

3. The end of the school semester. I have a lot to do. I could go over all the details, but I won't. Its just your run of the mill, end of the semester blues. Wo, wo, wo, wooooo.

4. BIG state report due. This week. Running out of time. Statistics are my friend.

So stressed spelled backwards is desserts, which is all I've been indulging in the deal with all of this stress, which brings me to #5: I'm super stressed because my pants don't fit.

I am thankful that Terrance got to come home for 4 days and spend time with me. I wish I didn't have so much school work to do while he was here.

That's all for now. Namaste.

Pity, party of one? Your table is now available

OK, so I haven't written in forever. I'm sticking with the fact that no one reads this thing to think that's OK. To be honest, I started this thing as a release for me. I know it seems silly to do that instead of, like, journal or something. But if I'm being honest with myself, I'm too much of an attention seeker to journal in a private book that no one will ever see and too unsure of myself to really promote this thing and risk people forming an opinion of me that i can't control. So here you have it. My most inner thoughts and feelings on the world wide web with no one reading them. Its exhilarating, really.

So, things are crazy right now.

Backstory: Terrance's company is expanding into the midwest. He's taking a job in Columbus, OH. I've never been to Columbus, which doesn't really bother me. I hadn't ever been to Indy before I moved there and that worked out. We've been dealing with this as an issue for a while, he turned one offer down, because the money wasn't right. THey sat him down this time and gave him everything he was asking for, so it probably wouldn't have been a good career move to turn them down.

Here's the thing, while Terrance is off living in the Holiday Inn Express Centreville, OH, I am still here. I have to figure out how to sell this house, which we've affectionately changed the name of from 'The Bungalow of Joy' to 'The Money Pit'. We currently owe $105, 435 on this palace and need to put about $10K for it to sell unless we want to sell it for $85K. Which is better? To put money into it hoping you'll get it back or just cut your losses and get the fuck out? I don't know. You see, as much as I pretend, I never really took to that whole 'being an adult' thing. I desperately want someone to come and do all of this stuff for me. There isn't a day that goes by that if you came to me at work and asked if I'd prefer to be playing in one of those ball pits at McDonalds than working that I wouldn't say yes. And I like my job. I really do, I just like being an adult less.

I also have to find a job in Ohio, which lucky for me is even more conservative than NC! Super happy I chose public health as my calling right now. I recently did a careerbuilder search for "health education" in a 50 mile radius of Columbus, OH. There were 6 whole results, 4 of which were nursing positions, 1 of which required 10 year of management experience and one which the minimum qualifications were a high school diploma or GED. This is going to be a fun job hunt.

Add the housing and job issue to the fact that I'm in the home stretch of the semester and I'm about to lose it. I want to quit it all.

Here's the thing. I SHUT DOWN when I get stressed. I don't want to deal with anything, let alone everything. If Terrance were here, I would at least feel the urge to fake it because I have to look responsible when someone is watching, but since he's not I've chosen to spend my Saturday stalking people on facebook and blogging a blog that no one reads. I also got into a lengthy staring contest with the cat, which I won because he was ready to be petted.

Honestly, I know that my life is not bad. I understand that there are people, both near and far, that have it worse than me. I could be hungry or homeless. Terrance could be in Afghanistan or Iraq instead of in boringly safe Dayton, OH. I could have Cancer. My friends could have cancer. I could have no friends. I could lose my job. Things could be worse. I know that. But I also know that I'm throwing myself the largest pity party I can right now and you know what, I'm enjoying the hell out of it, in a begrudging, complainy way.