I no longer have a baby. I have a toddler.

Let me let that sink in.

As of 2:57PM today, he has been on this earth for 8765.81 hours. Today is cause for celebration. Logan is ONE! How did that happen? Watching him grow is amazing. I’m so happy he’s healthy. He’s walking and talking and barking at the dogs. He laughs at hilarious things, like dancing. He cries at tragic things, like being left in his crib so I can shower in the morning. He’s becoming a little person, and for that I am grateful. But also, a little sad.

Let me be clear. Having an infant was work. The hard times were harder than I could have ever prepared myself for. It was a year spent wondering if I was doing it right. If he was OK. Why he wasn’t rolling over or standing or eating or sleeping exactly how the book said he would. It was a year of sleepless nights. Of early mornings. Of feeling like I was failing, But occasionally of feeling like I was doing OK. All in all, the good moments outshine the bad. The stress of a night filled with hours of screaming was simply eliminated with a smile. The fits of despair that came from trying to feed him with a spoon melted away during a snuggle filled nursing session.

Before I was a mother, I would have secretly judged the kind of mother I am. I breastfed, even though it caused me pain. I would be a stay at home mom if I could. I coslept because it was the difference between sleep and no sleep. I wasn’t ready to leave him for a night at 6 months. I refuse to go to the gym because I can't leave him in day care for another hour every day. I’ve let motherhood consume every facet of my life. And you know what, I’m not even sorry. I would not change any of it. He’s a baby for the blink of an eye.  

Even with all of the work that went into keeping my little person alive over the past year, I loved it. I loved even the hard moments. I know that I will love what’s yet to come. I know he’s entering a fun stage. But part of me already misses my baby.

Bittersweet is the label I would give today.

Happy Birthday to my Mr. Buggles, my Logi Bear, my Poopers, my Logan.